I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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