He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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