I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
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