god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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