I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
we made out on top of his cat.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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