that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
