Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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