took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
