i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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