I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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