I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
