so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
