Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
