just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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