I'm going to jail i love you
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
