In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
