Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
