If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
