The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just pee around me
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
