I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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