Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
