I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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