I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
