Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
