My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
