I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
