census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
