Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
