i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
