I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
