my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
