Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
