Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
