I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
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If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
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Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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