just come out here and I will go home with you...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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