Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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