She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
