she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
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Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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