i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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