I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
