I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I wish there were birth control emojis
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
