And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
