I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
