i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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