i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
