the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
