my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
