I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
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LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
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Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
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