I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
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Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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