His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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