I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
