Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
My vagina is officially offended.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My vagina just clenched in fear
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