Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
