I am puke
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
