My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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