New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
