Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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